Letters from London #8

All right, my pretties, I know you're thinking that I haven't posted recently because I had a craaaaazy St Patrick's Day here in Paris and I've been recovering ever since, right?  Wellllllll, no.  I did go out for St Paddy's with a bunch of Irish people and we did go to some Irish pubs, but at a certain point we just got fed up with the crowds and ended up at a champagne bar instead.  Not very authentic, but far more relaxing...

Anyway, my absence was not caused by too much partying (unfortunately), but rather because I've been in London and my internet access there was very sporadic and I just didn't get a chance to post.  But since I'm mentioning London and since it's late and I just need to post something, how about another Letter from London?

Written somewhere around July 2001

Well, after the overwhelmingly positive reaction to my last letter, I've decided to turn over a new leaf.  Yes, I'm ready to become a kinder, gentler Miss K.  From now on, I shall be nauseatingly nice, sickeningly sweet and a beam of sunshine in the lives of all those fortunate enough to come into contact with my saintly-yet-humble being.  I will forsake malice, spite and cynicism in favour of graciousness, charm and generosity of spirit.  People will come from all around simply to bask in the warm glow of my goodness... Okay, did anyone buy that?  What, not even for a second?  Oh c'mon... Anyone?  Friends?  Relatives?  No one? Really??

Anyway, I don't have a theme for this letter, so here are some random thoughts about nothing terribly interesting.....

New Experiences (A) - One of the many things I like about London is the opportunity to try things that I might not have done in Toronto.  For example, I took a ballet class for the first time in my life a couple of weeks ago and thoroughly enjoyed it.  For those of you who are rolling around on the floor laughing hysterically at the thought of me doing anything that requires grace and coordination, go right ahead.  Your mental picture is entirely correct - I galumphed around the room like a drunken lumberjack, sending willowy ballerina types fleeing in terror, and I made a total fool of myself.  Like I said, I had a fantastic time.

New Experiences (B) - Another thing I just tried was floating.  Huh?  What's that?  Well, it's a bit hard to describe, but basically you hop into a sensory deprivation tank and float in water that has about 800 lbs of salt dissolved in it.  And that's all: you just lie there in the dark and float for an hour like a cross between an astronaut and an embryo.  Question - why?  Answer - Because it's quite possibly the most relaxing thing you'll ever experience.  Strange but true.  Once you get the hang of it, you totally lose track of your body and you just feel like a big ol' head floating around in the dark.  I know, it sounds weird, but ohhhhhh, it's soooooo gooooooood....

Music - I've always been a fan of the blues, and it amazes me how well songs from the 1920s translate to the new century.  I recently picked up a Bessie Smith CD and really, you'd think she was singing about my life.  For example, here are some of the song titles: "Me and My Gin", "No One In Town Can Bake A Sweet Jelly Roll Like Mine"(if you know what she's saying, and I think you do), "Empty Bed Blues", "I'm Wild About That Thing", "A Good Man Is Hard To Find", "You've Got To Give Me Some", and my personal favourite - "Put a Little Sugar in My Bowl".  Sing it, girlfriend....

Fashion - Ladies: I hate to tell you this, but London fashion has clearly lost what passes for its collective mind.  You can be totally in style this season if you wear any of the following: 1940's floral prints, army camouflage, disco diva, cowgirl, or any combination thereof.  I've always prided myself on my eclectic style, but this might be a bit much even for me.  We shall see.

Work - I'm currently employed in Hell, which means that I work for the Devil.  Yes, the Devil has many names.... Satan..... Beelzebub..... Lucifer.... Stephanie. You might not have been aware that the Supreme Evil Being in the universe is currently incarnated in the body of a petite woman from New Zealand, but now you know.  Consider yourselves warned.

Today's Story - I thought I'd share this experience with you even though it has absolutely nothing to do with London.  When I was in Los Angeles a couple of years ago, I visited the famous slutty-lingerie store Frederick's of Hollywood (much to everyone's surprise, I'm sure).  As I was browsing, the following happened: a young English couple skulked into the store, clearly embarrassed at being there.  They approached the salesgirl next to me, and the English girl (who had a huge rack) shyly asked her: "Excuse me, but do you sell minimizer bras?"  An ominous silence fell.  The ultra-sassy black salesgirl (who had waist-length blonde braids, four-inch fingernails and more attitude than Madonna) looked at her with the undisguised contempt she might have shown for a urine sample and drawled, "Giiiiirl....this is Frederick's of Hollywood.  We MAXIMIZE!!!"  Hee!  Heeheeheeheehee!!!

Garance!

Well, gentle readers, today I hang my head in shame -  I just met fashion blogger extraordinaire Garance Doré, (one of my personal style favourites) and I was wearing the most boring outfit of all time.  Ugh.

Let me back up a bit - I like to keep a few outfits ready to go at all times (the clothes, the footwear, the accessories, even the underwear, all carefully chosen and hung up together so that I can just throw it all on and get out the door), which makes me sound like one of those ridiculously organized people who has their entire life under control, but nooooo.  This is actually the reason:  Miss K is not a morning person.  I can't even begin to tell you the number of times I've been late for work because I've been staring, slack-jawed and bleary-eyed, into my vast wardrobe, trying to find something, anything to wear (I'm not the only one, right?).  So a few years ago I got into the habit of spending a couple of hours on the weekend putting together my outfits in advance for the coming week:  outfits for work, outfits for social occasions, casual outfits.  And this has worked very well - no more last-minute panic about what to wear, with the added benefit of ensuring that I actually wear everything in my wardrobe.  Ladies, you know what I'm saying - there are always a few things lurking in the closet that never get worn because you never have time to figure out what it actually goes with, and so you end up wearing the same old things over and over again.  

So, as I was saying, this little system has been working well, but today I learned a valuable lesson:  one should also have an outfit ready to go in case one has the opportunity to meet a style icon such as the fabulous Miss Doré, as mentioned above.  I checked her blog this morning (which is http://www.garancedore.fr/en/ - if you are at all interested in fashion, you should definitely be reading it) and she mentioned that she would be doing an interview today in Paris, to which she invited her readers.  Well, of course I had to go, but with only 10 minutes to get ready, what to wear to such an occasion?  Not that she would care what I was wearing, but I cared.  But I panicked, flailed around, threw on a black sweater-dress and went.  God, how embarrassing - dull, dull, dull! 

But at least I got to meet her - I have read her blog for years and I like her writing style so much, she really inspired me to start this blog when I moved to Paris.  And she was just as delightful in person- she stayed for ages after the interview to sign autographs and pose for photos with fans, which was particularly nice of her since it was boiling hot in the room and she must have been dying to leave.

Anyway, so the moral of the story is this:  always be prepared to be fabulous, even at short notice.  Really, shouldn't I know this by now???

Totally crap outfit of the week #24

So there I was on the Metro, innocently disembarking from my train and getting on the escalator, when I glanced up at the person in front of me, only to see a whole coatful of these creeeeeeeeepy little faces leering back at me - gahhh!  Why?  Whyyyyyyyy?!?

Totally crap outfit of the week #20

Okay, so here's what I don't get:

1) It's 4000 degrees Celcius and you're wearing Uggs.  I actually own a pair of very lovely Uggs and wore them a couple of years ago to take a flight from London to Toronto in December and they were so insanely hot that I had to take them off, and walk around the airport in my socks like a hobo (and yes, answer the awkward security questions about why I was carrying my boots rather than wearing them).  They were so hot that I couldn't bear to put them back on again until we landed and I could go out into the minus 22C weather in Toronto, which is a circumstance when wearing a pair of sheepskin boots was entirely right and proper.  But on a summer day in Paris when it's already 4000C?  How is this okay?  And more to the point, how have her feet not burst into flames???

2)  This is a skinny chick with a hot bod - exactly why is is she wearing underwear in a size more suited to a pre-schooler?  I mean, it's bad enough that the lingerie is black under a pink dress (you can't really tell that from this photo, but in real life, believe me, it was obvious from about 20 metres away), but why is she wearing a size that makes her look like an over-stuffed bratwurst???

Totally crap outfit of the week #19

Sometimes, there are just no words needed...

Totally crap outfit of the week

Can someone please tell me what's going on here?  Is she wearing a potato sack with holes cut out at the bottom?  Or perhaps it's a new style of straitjacket and somehow the straps have come loose and wrapped around her legs?  I am not only baffled about what it is, I'm also completely mystified as to why anyone would wear such a thing in public.  I will concede that the shoes are kinda cute, but not cute enough to distract from the potato sack straitjacket - hell, she could be pushing a wheelbarrow full of frisky kittens and fluffy bunnies, and even they wouldn't be cute enough to distract from the horror of that garment...

My Top 10 (so far)

I was looking at my blog stats today, and it's quite interesting to see which posts have been the most popular with you, gentle readers.  And since it also seems that I've had an influx of new readers recently (welcome!), I thought I would let you know what this blog's  Top 10 All-Time Most Popular Posts have been thus far:

10.  No surprise that another compilation made it into the Top 10 - I had so many left-over photos of crappy outfits from 2010 that I needed to do a whole extra post just to share them all:

Totally crap outfits of 2010 (previously unseen)

9.  Ahh, the glamour of living in Paris.  You seemed to enjoy hearing about how moving is just as stressful here as it is anywhere else...

Déménagement

8.  Not much in the way of writing, but some of my prettiest photos ever:
Jour Blanche

7.  Same again - minimal writing in this travel post, but y'all sure seemed to appreciate the photos:
Charming Chartres

6.  One of my sillier moments, but I had fun writing it and it seems you also enjoyed this story of doomed feline romance:

"Tails" of romance from the City of Love

5. Another post about travel - I personally think you only liked it because you're all now hooked on cheese crack:

Why the Belgians are better than the French (Pt 2)

4. Aaaand you're back to the topic of love (although human this time, not feline); coming in at Number Four, my romantic travails in the most romantic (yeah, whatever) city on the planet :

Paris: City of Love. Really?

3.  Seriously, you guys?  This is what you clicked on enough times to put it into third place?  Jeez.  Glad you were all so amused at my hideousness.  Hmph.  And I'll have you know that my eyelashes are, in fact, growing back - I expect to look human again sometime around the end of...erm...June, or thereabouts...
The eyes have it. Well, they used to...

2.  In second place, one of my more educational and well-written (if I do say so myself - it amused me to re-read it, which is always a good sign) posts, featuring the ever-popular Tiny Dancer (previously known as Miss A before I decided I had to give people proper nicknames):
Nature Capitale

1.  And at Number One, this is hands-down, by-a-mile, the most popular blog post I have ever written - I don't know if it's because it features the awesome Mr and Mrs Redneck, or because I took some mighty pretty photos, or because the subject matter (champagne) is interesting to a lot of people, but whatever the appeal is, here it is again:
Reims with the Rednecks

So, having seen what you like (not all of which would have been in my own personal Top 10 of my best work, I have to admit - which goes to show how little I know of popular opinion!), I must conclude that you're totally down with my pretty pictures, but not so much with my yapping.  Hmmm - I am not sure if I should consider that a big "yay!" to my photographic skills and a giant "booo, you suck!" to my writing skills, but I'm hoping it all just averages out over time.  Regardless, thanks for following/subscribing/visiting, and I'll try to keep up with your high standards, gentle-but-demanding readers!  Much love, Miss K

So the question is this...

...going by this outfit, is he gay?  Or just European?

Totally crap outfit of the week

Okay, wearing a coat that looks like hideous motel wallpaper from the 1970s is bad enough, but combining it with that scruffy little backpack?  This lady has reached a certain age - an age when one should not only own a nice handbag, but one should use such a handbag, rather than carting around a backpack that even a penniless student would be embarrassed about. Not to mention the white boots - I mean, really:  white boots?  Madame, the last person I saw wearing such a thing was a hooker on the rue St Denis, and her boots were a lot cuter than yours.

Awesome outfit of the week

Oooh, it's been a while since I did one of these - shall we guess why?

A)  because it's been winter and it's hard to judge what people are wearing when they're all bundled up in big coats; or

B)  because I'm a horribly mean person and it's way more fun for me to write about the totally crap outfits.

Really, not one of you chose A)?  Are you sure?  You wouldn't like to, oh, I don't know,  maybe mull it over for a while before deciding?  No?  Dudes, where's the love?  Oh, fine, you're absolutely right. How well you know me, gentle readers - hee!  But, to give credit where it's due, I am totally loving this outfit.  Classic black skirt and fitted denim jacket, livened up with fun shoes, a vintage bag, a fabulous leopard scarf and very cool red sunglasses.  And, to really give credit where it's due, this is actually my lovely and talented friend Tiny Dancer - when I met up with her, I decided her outfit was so great that it deserved to be in this category, so I sneaked a photo when she wasn't looking.   See, I'm not always horribly mean...

Things you might see in a shop

So there I was, innocently strolling around near the Hotel de Crillon, minding my own business, when I suddenly happened upon this window display.  My goodness, those nice people at Lanvin certainly are  saucy little monkeys, aren't they?   Mercy!  Mind you, it's good advertising - if that's the effect their clothes inspire, maybe I need a new outfit...  Hee!!! 

Totally crap outfit of the week

Okay, just because I am horribly disfigured at the moment, did you really think I would let you down by not keeping track of the fashion crimes on the streets of Paris?   Admittedly, I have been shunning human contact as much as possible; I had to go to the office on Monday, but other than there, my sunglasses have been firmly in place anytime I have gone out this week - from riding the Metro to buying groceries, my shades have not left my face when I've been out in public.   Yes, that's right, I'm that idiot - Indoor Sunglasses Wearer.  Gah!!  Well, at least that's better than subjecting the good citizens of Paris to Ol' Eye-bald...

Anyway, the point is that I've been hiding at home for most of this week, which is a damn shame because the weather has been beautiful.  Fortunately, my apartment has a teeny-tiny balcony (so I've been able to enjoy the sunshine) and my camera has a long lens (so I've been able to enjoy people-watching).  And even though I was way up on the 5th floor, I could hardly miss this fashion monstrosity.  Hell, this little ensemble is probably visible from space.  In fact, aliens might have been on their way to Earth, seen this from a billion light years away, and turned right back around and gone home again. Because going by this outfit, there's clearly no intelligent life on this planet...

Totally crap outfit of the week

You know, Miss K is not a total killjoy when it comes to fashion - if people want to wear novelty sweaters, they should absolutely feel free to do such a thing.  By which I mean: at Christmas,  in the privacy of your own home where you will be seen only by friends and family who will love you regardless, and where you can blame over-indulgence in excessive amounts of alcohol as an excuse for wearing such a garment.  But in public?  In broad daylight??  In Paris???  Madame, even the snowmen (yes, in the plural - there are four on this sweater) are embarrassed...

Totally crap outfits of 2010 (previously unseen)

Okay, I am little behind with this due to my recent zombiefication (see previous post for details), but I did promise you the totally crap outfits that didn't make it into the blog last year, so here you are, with love from Miss K.  In no particular order:

You know, I admire the commitment to the crazy, I really do.  Especially the parasol, that's a nice touch.  But a) would it have been too much effort to run a brush through your hair? and b) did I mention the craaaayyyyyyzeeeeee???

Okay, as you all know, I myself am genuine low-class swamp trash, but I promise you that even in the depths of poverty, when I was wearing hand-me-downs that had probably gone through about eighteen owners before they finally ended up with me, I still never wore anything this bad.   Really, you're going to come to Paris and stand in front of the Louvre wearing this?  You're giving trash a bad name, honey...

Okay, let me explain something to you, dearie.  When you went into the tourist shop and bought that tea towel with the Eiffel Tower on it?  Yeah, it's not actually meant to be worn as a dress.  Just a little tip from me to you. 

Somewhere in Bhutan, there must be a naked and very pissed-off monk wondering why someone stole his robes, and why this woman is wearing them through the streets of Paris.  Dude, we're all wondering that...

Quick note to my family:

Hi guys,

Could you do me a great big favour?  When I get to be over 70 (like this lady), if I attempt to leave the house dressed like this, could you please have me committed immediately?  Thanks!

Much love,

Miss K

I took this on the Metro, and this is all I could get into the shot because she was right beside me, but really: leopard print shoes, swirly fuschia tights with a butterfly pattern, and an embroidered neon floral coat?  Just thank me for not photographing the top half of the outfit.  Really.  Just thank me.

 I know - you're looking at this, thinking you should maybe call the nice men with the butterfly nets to come and collect this lady?  Look a little more closely, because it appears she's already wearing a butterfly net.  Over a top that has a butterfly on it.  A butterfly with...roots?  Oooookay.   Moving right along. And  don't get me started on the hair, because if I look at this photo much longer, you might need to call the nice men with the butterfly nets to come and collect me.

You know, Miss K is half Scottish, and I like a bit of tartan from time to time.  This?  Is a lot of tartan.  And generally speaking, if it looks like you needed a crowbar to wedge you into your outfit?  Then maybe, just maybe, you should wear something else - something a little looser that doesn't involve any tartan.  I would thank you, and I'm pretty sure the good people of Scotland would thank you as well...

Sometimes I do this crazy thing.  Sometimes, before I leave the house, I look in a mirror to see whether what I'm wearing is the most unflattering outfit ever seen by the eyes of humankind.  And if it is?  Then I don't wear it.  Gah!  It's not rocket science, people...

Could I just.....oh, I don't know....make a teeny tiny suggestion here, sweetie?  I mean, it's only a thought, no need for you to decide about it right away or anything, no pressure.  But here's my idea (and again, just a crazy notion that came to me): that the next time you decide to cover yourself in glue and roll around on the floor of a thrift shop (which is clearly the thrift shop in Hell) and then go out in public wearing whatever rags stuck to you, I'm thinking you should just.... Not. Ever. Do. That. Again.

Totally crap outfit of the week

Okay, so this is actually from last week before I left Paris, but hey, I've been a little busy.  Anyway, let's see what we have here, shall we?  

Now, I know that as one gets older, one can indulge in little eccentricities, and why not?  I fully approve of aging disgracefully.  Too many martinis at lunch?  Hell, yes.  Having a fling with a hot pool boy called Pedro?  Go for it.  However, I don't approve of using curtains as clothing - Scarlett O'Hara could barely pull it off, and madam, you are no Scarlett O'Hara.  This fabric was ugly hanging in the window of whatever cheap, nasty motel you swiped it from and it's still eye-wateringly ugly now...

Totally crap outfit of the week

Woman #1 - Hey, I have a great idea - let's dig out the ugliest things in our wardrobes and go parading around the streets of Paris like total half-wits!

Woman #2 - Oooh, that'll be fun, and I have just the thing:  a blue and purple coat with a floral print - it looks like a colour-blind monkey junkie designed it while stoned, it's perfect!  What do you have?

Woman #1 - Mine is so much more gross - I've got a purple and yellow tartan jacket, some of the ugliest bags ever made, and best of all, tights with faces on them. Can you imagine what that's going to look like when I put it all together?!?

Woman #2 - OMG, we are going to so totally look like idiots - woohoo!!!

Or so I imagine the conversation must have gone, because what other explanation could there possibly be for this???

Things you might see on the street

Well, normally I would say that this dog is thinking "Sweet lord, the shame in having to go out in public wearing a doggie parka - kill me immediately."  But this is a Parisian dog, so he's probably thinking "Mon dieu, where are my tasteful little booties to match zis élégant little jacket I am wearing?  Ze shame in having to go out in public not properly accessorized - kill me immédiatement."

Totally crap outfit of the week

As you know, Miss K generally just picks on fashion choices that the ladies make and leaves the chaps to their own devices, but every so often someone of the male persuasion comes along and just begs for a sartorial slap upside the head.  So here we go:  I don't object to a man-bag, but don't carry it like a woman.  I don't object to skinny jeans, but when they're so tight that your legs look like overstuffed bratwursts, you might want to reconsider your fashion choices before they cut off your circulation and give you gangrene.  And worst of all (I'm afraid you can't actually see it in the photo because I have pixillated it out of existence - and rightfully so, just trust me on this one), don't wear a plaited, metallic silver headband.  Ever.  Got it?  Okay, be on your way, sir.

Awesome outfit of the week

Okay, this might not be everyone's cup of tea, but Miss K likes a bit of leather now and again (make of that what you will, and I know you'll come up with something suitably...imaginative. Hee!) and I think this lady is looking fabulous.  She has a great figure and she's rocking this razor-sharp tailoring, but the boots are the best - gold heels, people, gold heels!  They're so awesomely Mafia mistress, I can't even describe my love for them...

Things you might see on the street

I love this - the Voguemobile! This is actually from Fashion's Night Out in Paris last month, but as it's now the beginning of Paris Fashion Week, I thought I'd post it now in honour of the occasion.   I just have this completely awesome fantasy of skinny, disdainful, perfectly-dressed Vogue editors driving around in the Voguemobile, fighting fashion crime wherever they find it... Hee!