Saturday, January 8, 2011

Totally crap outfits of 2010 (previously unseen)

Okay, I am little behind with this due to my recent zombiefication (see previous post for details), but I did promise you the totally crap outfits that didn't make it into the blog last year, so here you are, with love from Miss K.  In no particular order:

You know, I admire the commitment to the crazy, I really do.  Especially the parasol, that's a nice touch.  But a) would it have been too much effort to run a brush through your hair? and b) did I mention the craaaayyyyyyzeeeeee???
Okay, as you all know, I myself am genuine low-class swamp trash, but I promise you that even in the depths of poverty, when I was wearing hand-me-downs that had probably gone through about eighteen owners before they finally ended up with me, I still never wore anything this bad.   Really, you're going to come to Paris and stand in front of the Louvre wearing this?  You're giving trash a bad name, honey...
Okay, let me explain something to you, dearie.  When you went into the tourist shop and bought that tea towel with the Eiffel Tower on it?  Yeah, it's not actually meant to be worn as a dress.  Just a little tip from me to you. 
Somewhere in Bhutan, there must be a naked and very pissed-off monk wondering why someone stole his robes, and why this woman is wearing them through the streets of Paris.  Dude, we're all wondering that...
Quick note to my family:

Hi guys,
Could you do me a great big favour?  When I get to be over 70 (like this lady), if I attempt to leave the house dressed like this, could you please have me committed immediately?  Thanks!

Much love,

Miss K
I took this on the Metro, and this is all I could get into the shot because she was right beside me, but really: leopard print shoes, swirly fuschia tights with a butterfly pattern, and an embroidered neon floral coat?  Just thank me for not photographing the top half of the outfit.  Really.  Just thank me.

 I know - you're looking at this, thinking you should maybe call the nice men with the butterfly nets to come and collect this lady?  Look a little more closely, because it appears she's already wearing a butterfly net.  Over a top that has a butterfly on it.  A butterfly with...roots?  Oooookay.   Moving right along. And  don't get me started on the hair, because if I look at this photo much longer, you might need to call the nice men with the butterfly nets to come and collect me.

You know, Miss K is half Scottish, and I like a bit of tartan from time to time.  This?  Is a lot of tartan.  And generally speaking, if it looks like you needed a crowbar to wedge you into your outfit?  Then maybe, just maybe, you should wear something else - something a little looser that doesn't involve any tartan.  I would thank you, and I'm pretty sure the good people of Scotland would thank you as well...

Sometimes I do this crazy thing.  Sometimes, before I leave the house, I look in a mirror to see whether what I'm wearing is the most unflattering outfit ever seen by the eyes of humankind.  And if it is?  Then I don't wear it.  Gah!  It's not rocket science, people...
Could I just.....oh, I don't know....make a teeny tiny suggestion here, sweetie?  I mean, it's only a thought, no need for you to decide about it right away or anything, no pressure.  But here's my idea (and again, just a crazy notion that came to me): that the next time you decide to cover yourself in glue and roll around on the floor of a thrift shop (which is clearly the thrift shop in Hell) and then go out in public wearing whatever rags stuck to you, I'm thinking you should just.... Not. Ever. Do. That. Again.

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